a celebration of earth, mindfulness, and mothering.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Over the holiday, my son, my oldest, turned five. His birthday always adds a little more meaning and tenderness to this time of year. As we celebrate his birth, my husband and I always reflect on our own rebirth, as parents. We are five years into this journey of parenting and it has been filled with incredible highs and inevitable lows. We are humbled every day by how difficult this job can be, how heartbreaking, and how absolutely our hearts no longer belong to us. A wise friend once told me shortly after Ezra was born that the overwhelming emotion you feel shortly after your baby has come into the world "is just how it feels when your heart leaves your chest and starts to live in another person".
My boy is five and both he and I can sense something is changing. Up until now he has been my baby, but recently when I look at him I have to look hard for any hint of his babyness. Gone are his chubby baby cheeks, his little toddler voice and giggle. He is growing more independant and self-reliant each day and for that I am so, so proud. I am loving watching him grow into his own person. But in his growth, some small part of me is also mourning. The shifts happen so gradually that you don't notice when your baby has gone from sitting in your lap at story time to sitting by your side and that the child you would swoop up into your arms when they hurt you now bend down to meet because you can barely pick them up.
Don't get me wrong, I love that this boy of mine climbed a mountain with me this summer and that he rode a sled by himself over the weekend, I celebrate his growth and so look forward to the adventures that lie ahead. But, while I can sense our dynamic is shifting, so can he. In quiet moments he has been telling me "I'll never be too big for a snuggle", or "no matter how big I get, I will always be your baby." We are both holding this time with a gentle grasp, realizing that something is changing here and that this time is precious and fleeting.
*The Yule log/ birthday cake was made by the amazing bakers at Bread Euphoria in Haydenville, MA